she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
