Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
