so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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