whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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