Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
