Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
