Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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