i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
as a side note pls kill me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
