Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
where are my eyebrows?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
