Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
