Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
