Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
