You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
