i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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