I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
