guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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