I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
