it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
