He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
