I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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