She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
