Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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