Apparently you make a good broom.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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