I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
are you so shy because you have an std?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
