Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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