final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
