last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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