I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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