Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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