At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
