do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
