last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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