you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
