I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
