I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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