I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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