I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
