Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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