I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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