I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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