I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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