That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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