Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
