genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
