I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the condom got lost in my hair
It's like God shit irony all over that family
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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