Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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