I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
