There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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