Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
