You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Houston, we have a blender
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize