you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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