So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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