i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
