i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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