I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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