if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
