I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am one with the molecules
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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