saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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