threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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