I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He passed out mid-signature
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
