I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
